Monday, October 21, 2013

The One Where I Become a Mom

Where we last left off, things were getting real. I was unable to sleep in the throws of labor while my husband snored on the couch in my birthing suite. My nurse had been taken and replaced by a sweet but not social one. Then the pitocin started. 

It was probably about midnight when the pitocin started and they increased it little by little every hour or so.  I tried to cat nap but contractions were coming so regularly and getting more and more uncomfortable. The hospital bed was pretty cool too in that it could be transformed into a bed like chair. In the chair position the contractions felt stronger, more regular and productive. I figured since I couldn't sleep much I wanted to get the show started. I wasn't able to walk because of the fetal monitors but that was ok. I just wanted to make progress and feel the pain. Pain meant things were moving forward. It was like a promise of light at the end of the tunnel. 

It all came to a halt about 2 AM. The contractions were starting to be too much for bug so we had to lay off the pitocin and forgo the next does of cytotec. Things were progressing too "strongly" and to avoid complications and an emergency we backed off. 

About 4 AM the pitocin started back up again and was ever so slowly increased to avoid the same stress for Bug. Throughout it all my husband slept. He can pass out in an instant and it's really impressive. I'm glad one of us got rest. 

Around 7AM my mom and dad showed up.  It was so comforting to have my Momma with me. My Daddy was cute too because he was so concerned about his baby, me.  He has this way of cracking jokes and giggling when he's nervous and jokes were abundant. As he left, the nurse and my OB came in for the first check during morning rounds.

I was progressing but not too far. I was maybe 1CM but the contractions were coming like clockwork. The plan was to pop my waters and keep upping the pitocin. I was so excited.  

The feeling of your water breaking is trippy. It was odd to constantly gush warm water every time I moved. It wasn't uncomfortable really but it did intensify things. I liked that though. This was pain with a purpose and it meant I was getting closer to my goal. My bug would be here soon. 

More mucous plug was being lost by the minute, water was gushing with every readjustment and exhausted as I was I had never been so focused. I was envisioning my happy place, breathing and trying to relax. The anesthesiologist was making rounds and I turned him away for the epidural. I didn't want one if I didn't need it and I was going to hold out as long as I could, at least 4 CM, if I absolutely needed it. I didn't want to stall this labor train at all. 

About 9 AM my sisters arrived with my MIL and the pain was ramping up. I finally agreed to a little something to take the edge off. It was wonderful! It was short acting Fentanyl but it was glorious. I still felt the pain but it made it a little more manageable. I felt like I had this down. You can have a shot every 15-20 minutes but I was hanging with one ever 45. As the day progressed I started spacing the shots closer together. The shots and constant foot rubs for my my mom and sisters really helped me cope with the pain. They also gave me so much love, support, and laughter that made everything more bearable. I couldn't have handled labor without my people for support. They made everything better.

I was checked again about 11AM and the progress was not what I had hoped. I was about maybe 2 CM. The plan remained; more pitocin, more fentanyl and breathing. Again, I turned away the epidural. I just wasn't ready. 

About 1PM things got really intense and I started using the birthing ball to help open my pelvis and get Bug to drop and engage more. In a swift instant I felt like I jumped onto all fours and needed that epidural immediately. There was no time to wait. Unfortunately, I had to wait...for an hour. The anesthesiologist had just gone in to the OR for a c-section and it would be another hour before he could help me. It was the longest hour ever at the time but looking back it wasn't so bad. 

At about 2 PM, twenty hours in to labor at this point, the anesthesiologist walked in carry the tray of goods.  He was a delightful man from the UK with a great accent. My husband can't stand needles so I asked my Momma to stay and hold me for my epidural. I had been so afraid of needles that I dreaded this instant but it was a breeze. I felt nothing until the epidural medicine started to flow. 

I felt horrible and chilled. I couldn't stop shaking and I started chastising myself in my head for doing this to myself. The shivering and chattering teeth were almost worse than the pain. I felt so uncomfortable but then the side effects went away and I was fine. I was even able to get some sleep. 

I napped for a few hours and woke up about 4 PM to my OB with his hands in my va jay jay and the nasty feeling in my stomach.  I don't ever want to feel that pressure and grossness ever again. I remover looking at him and not even recognizing this as awkward. I looked at him and he looked at me.  He said that I was dilated to a 3, maybe close to a 3 1/2, and he could feel Bug's head. He said the head was wedged in the birth canal really tight and that he was stuck. He would let me labor as long as I wanted but he felt that at the end of it all I would still most likely need a c section. Bug's shoulders were larger than his head and the head was already stuck. All I could say was ok. I was tired and ready to meet my baby. 

I asked what this all meant and he said, "You're going to meet your baby in about an hour!" The room turned into this cyclone of action and the only thing I was fixed on was my husband. We looked at each other, both in the verge if tears, telling each other we were about to meet our baby. It was such an emotional and powerful moment. 

My Daddy an Momma came in to kiss me and tell me I'd be ok. I think it was more to make them feel better but it put me at ease too. I said good bye to my family as I was wheeled into the OR. The next time I'd see them I would be a mom.  

Once in the OR I thought it would be a great time to tell them that I could still feel my left leg. The anesthesiologist was none to please and I had another epidural. It didn't work either so I had a spinal done at the last minute. The curtains went up and my husband, clothed in a white painters suit, was brought in to me.  

In what felt like minutes, at 6:58, minutes shy of 24 hours active labor, Bug was brought into the world holding his umbilical cord for dear life screaming while Puff the Magic Dragon played in the background. With the feeling of release, there he was, this whole new person that I made. 

He was perfect and had his daddy's eyes and a great set of lungs. The OB said he now knew that Bug would have never been born the vaginal way. He was too big at 9 lbs 4 oz, 21 inches long and my pelvis was too small. I guess if my body didn't know what to do after all with such a beast inside of me.

As the baby was taken to the nursery I was cleaned up and put back together. I had hemorrhaged but I didn't know. I was fine and so was my baby and that was all that mattered in the end. 

I finally was taken to recovery where Bug waited for me. I remember them handing him to me and it was the strangest feeling ever. This was my baby. It's a different kind of love than I had ever felt before. It was something more akin to fierce protection and responsibility. This was my baby and he looked like an adorable glow worm. I often wonder if it's how my mom felt when she first held me or how my grandmothers felt when they first laid eyes on my parents. 

He knew me instantly and within seconds of snuggling with me he rooted for boobies and latched. I hadn't blossomed much in the boob area so the Dr had thought I may not be able to breast feed but Bug and I worked it out and were just fine. He was meant for me and I was meant for him. He was his amazing little human that God made from the best pieces of me, my husband, and our family; A genetic collection of diverse ancestors rolled into this cute little boy with his Daddy's eyes and Papa's hands. 

When we were taken to our room he and I spent the entire night learning about each other. Starring into each other's faces. Smelling, touching and feeding. It was the most intimate and impact-full moment I have ever had. I think about that night all the time and miss it. If Bug's birthday was my best day ever, that night of his birth starring at him and bonding were my finest hours. 

He is and continues to be the coolest person I have ever met and the best thing I have ever made. Happy birthday my beautiful Bug. Momma loves you more than you will ever know. 

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